My Uterus Is a Bank...No, Really, It Is

This past Saturday, our very own New York Senator Chuck Schumer told the crowd at the Planned Parenthood Rally that the bill to cut federal funding for Family Planning (which passed in the House) would die in the Senate. That bill was fiercely debated in the Senate today, and with any luck, will die an agonizing death. In a nutshell, this bill would obliterate the federal funding of Pap Tests, STD screening and treatment, and breast exams provided by places like Planned Parenthood. So go get 'em, Chuck! But even as Dems in the Senate fight with everything they have to kill this bill on their floor, it's still more than a little mind blowing that funding to provide healthcare for the less fortunate, young, or scared woman is even being questioned in the way it is in the first place. How did we get here, where we even question the importance of funding for such care? Perhaps it wouldn't be so questioned if it were clearer just how important it is.

So. What if we could show the ways in which our reproductive systems are important by speaking in language that is clear to our government--would that help our warriors in the Senate? Would that prompt our leaders to throw us a life preserver and put piles of cash at the business end of a leaf blower and turn the switch to "on"? It might not be enough to merely shout, Hey, this is our health you're tampering with! So maybe it would help if we could speak their jive and stress how vital this funding is by comparing it to an institution or cause they already value.

It's worth a shot.

The Three Most Basic Ways In Which My Reproductive System Is A Bank

1) Deposits and Withdrawals - Banks operate at their best when they are able to conduct both incoming and outgoing business--when they can accept deposits and dispense cash on withdrawals. My reproductive system is eerily similar in that it is at its healthiest and happiest when it is able to both receive outside business like pelvic exams or regular sexual activity, and discard reserves that have built up over time, such as that pesky monthly uterine lining.

2) Regulation - The banks certainly could regulate themselves--but they don't. Instead, banks are regulated by an outside influence, namely government agencies such as the FDIC or the OCC. Like a bank, my cycle certainly has the ability to regulate itself. But on occasion I'll depend on an outside, hormone infused "agency" to oversee the regulation of my internal reproductive workings--you know, that little regulation agency known as "The Pill."

3) Rewards - You get out of it what you put into it. Ain't that the truth? The more business you give a bank, the more involved you are in your personal finances, the more the bank rewards you with everything from interest to frequent flyer miles and vacations. Well, guess what! The same goes for our lady bits. The more attention we can pay to the goings on down there, the more medical care we can lavish on it, the more attempts we make to practice good feminine hygiene, the bigger and better and more priceless the rewards--such as low cancer risks, blister-free body parts, and even the continuation of our whole damn species in the form of safe, smooth-sailing reproduction.

So what do you say, boys, important enough for you? Can we keep our funding now?

1 comment:

Justin said...

Ha nice! My girlfriend wants to start burning shit down when she hears about this bill. I agree with her.